The ‘Talon’ Selfie Contest Winners

I thought this should be the first post of 2015.

You probably remember the Honourable Mentions of the ‘Ultimate and Brilliant and Not At All Stupid The Talon of Horus First Edition Selfie Contest’. At long last, here are the winners. I had specific prizes in mind at first for the lovingly themed, life-changingly artistic MS Paint portraits, but in the end my boundless and unbridled creativity took over, and these haunting scenes are the result.

As you can see, these are artfully rendered pieces of raw brain matter; you can tell the artist (me) not only put part of his soul into each piece, but that he offered the very best parts of his heart, as well. I think we can all agree that whoever did these (it was me) is some kind of excellent visual-emotional miracle worker who is totally available to do your heavy metal album cover for a very reasonable fee.

In third place, we have Andrew.

This is a picture of a man using his beard as a bookmark. I’m honestly not sure how else to caption this. It’s a human male using his beard as a bookmark. That’s hardcore.

The only way he could be more hardcore is if, say, he was a Viking war bastard standing astride the world like a Colossus, beneath the star-filled heavens. As you can see, I was one of his most recent victims. The planet itself knows rage at my murder. That’s what the volcano is all about. It’s a metaphor for Gaia’s fury at the tragic death of her chosen son.

 

And then, in second place, there’s Darren.

That hat is basically unacceptable.

The caption was originally about banging his mum (or, as Americans would say, “mom”) but that felt a little too mean. Plus, I don’t bang all that many mums (or even moms). But hat-based commentary is very much my thing, so this felt intensely true to life. Also note the photorealistic cityscape behind the zombie horde eating poor Darren. The sunglasses pictured here are actual Aviator shades from the set of ‘Top Gun’, which was a movie about several very handsome flying homosexuals.

 

And in first place, we have Pete.

 

Admit it. This is clever.

Admit it. This is a better story than any novel I’ve ever written.

And so this tragic waste of everyone’s time comes to an end.

Bless y’all who sent in selfies – there were a couple hundred in total, including several featuring altogether too much (or… maybe just the right amount?) of naked flesh. Congrats to Andrew, Darren, and Pete, who walk away triumphant with these most dubious of prizes.

For the record, I don’t really hate your hat, Darren. It’s like Star Trek; I just pretend to hate some stuff. The only things I really hate are the Los Angeles Lakers, anyone who’s ever played for the Los Angeles Lakers, and anyone who at any point in their lives have considered themselves a Lakers fan.

Especially this guy. OH GOD LOOK AT HIM MY EYES KILL ME SDNIFEIFEDMWSAUDHWKFQEMDVDVCAWCFV

DIE. DIE, YOU CUNT.