Horoscopes

As a firm believer in nonexistent jazz like astrology and whatever, I check my horoscope with fierce devotion, forever seeking to have my life mapped out for me by lying assholes because I’m too scared to deal with the fact that something unpredictable might happen. So let’s see what’s on the cards.

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ARIES – THE RAM

...why is he so happy?

It’s a good month for you. That rash has finally cleared up, and the restraining order expires due to good behaviour. They might even let you drive again soon. Watch out on the 16th, though! Jupiter spinning backwards means that your luck will run low. A recent holiday is still playing on your mind, but let the worry slide away.

You only did it once. That doesn’t mean you’re gay.

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TAURUS – THE BULL

He ain't going home to his kids.

The recent arguments with a loved one are set to continue, and you only have yourself to blame. As you’ve learned the hard way, a person can still crawl for help even with their spine chewed up by high-caliber bullet fire. Also, have you ever Google Image Searched for bulls? The amount of animal horns powerthrusting up people’s assholes is absolutely off the hook. You can’t tell me they’re all accidents. Someone, somewhere, must know what’s going in.

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VIRGO – THE VIRGIN

It's 2010, kid. Everybody does.

Lately, you’ve been feeling like no one cares about you, despite how much effort you put into helping them. Saturn and Mars are both upside down in March, so it’s the perfect time to change your outlook. Stop trying so hard! Crack open a beer. Forget those guys. Let them forget you.

Once they’ve forgotten you, they won’t be expecting you. And you’ll be nicely drunk. So come up behind them with a fire axe, and make with the chop-chop. Really, you should’ve been solving your problems this way for years. The bloodstains will fade in time. The satisfaction will not.

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GEMINI – THE TWINS

Man, these girls are ugly.

You’re always depressed about work and the Post Office, and how there are loads of foreigners in London these days. But have you ever considered that maybe it’s you who sucks? Listen to the advice of a tall, dark and handsome stranger around the 20th, when he tells you to shut up and hand over your purse.

Because if you don’t, he’ll cut you. He’ll cut your pretty face.

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CANCER – THE CRAB

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I was this crab, I'd eat unguarded children.

 

Jesus Christ, that crab is fucking massive.

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LEO – THE LION

 

 

 

 

 

RAAAWWWRRRR

 

I know, I know. It’s difficult to keep being this rad, all the time. But you soldier on, because you have to. Who else will rock the house if you drop the slack? One of those other guys? Not a chance. Aries? A goat? Goats aren’t cool. Virgo? He can’t even get laid. Cancer? Well, I mean, that’s a huge-ass crab, but let’s be honest, crabs aren’t lions, and lions are the best. Keep your head high throughout all of March, April, May and the rest of forever, as you continue to be the greatest in all you do. King of the Zodiac, Lord of the Jungle, we salute you.

And don’t forget to listen to a close friend or workmate around the 4th, when they tell you you’re totally hot. Because they’re right. You totally are.