Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

Horoscopes

As a firm believer in nonexistent jazz like astrology and whatever, I check my horoscope with fierce devotion, forever seeking to have my life mapped out for me by lying assholes because I’m too scared to deal with the fact that something unpredictable might happen. So let’s see what’s on the cards.

*   *   *

ARIES – THE RAM

...why is he so happy?

It’s a good month for you. That rash has finally cleared up, and the restraining order expires due to good behaviour. They might even let you drive again soon. Watch out on the 16th, though! Jupiter spinning backwards means that your luck will run low. A recent holiday is still playing on your mind, but let the worry slide away.

You only did it once. That doesn’t mean you’re gay.

*   *   *

TAURUS – THE BULL

He ain't going home to his kids.

The recent arguments with a loved one are set to continue, and you only have yourself to blame. As you’ve learned the hard way, a person can still crawl for help even with their spine chewed up by high-caliber bullet fire. Also, have you ever Google Image Searched for bulls? The amount of animal horns powerthrusting up people’s assholes is absolutely off the hook. You can’t tell me they’re all accidents. Someone, somewhere, must know what’s going in.

*   *   *

VIRGO – THE VIRGIN

It's 2010, kid. Everybody does.

Lately, you’ve been feeling like no one cares about you, despite how much effort you put into helping them. Saturn and Mars are both upside down in March, so it’s the perfect time to change your outlook. Stop trying so hard! Crack open a beer. Forget those guys. Let them forget you.

Once they’ve forgotten you, they won’t be expecting you. And you’ll be nicely drunk. So come up behind them with a fire axe, and make with the chop-chop. Really, you should’ve been solving your problems this way for years. The bloodstains will fade in time. The satisfaction will not.

*   *   *

GEMINI – THE TWINS

Man, these girls are ugly.

You’re always depressed about work and the Post Office, and how there are loads of foreigners in London these days. But have you ever considered that maybe it’s you who sucks? Listen to the advice of a tall, dark and handsome stranger around the 20th, when he tells you to shut up and hand over your purse.

Because if you don’t, he’ll cut you. He’ll cut your pretty face.

*   *   *

CANCER – THE CRAB

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I was this crab, I'd eat unguarded children.

 

Jesus Christ, that crab is fucking massive.

*   *   *

LEO – THE LION

 

 

 

 

 

RAAAWWWRRRR

 

I know, I know. It’s difficult to keep being this rad, all the time. But you soldier on, because you have to. Who else will rock the house if you drop the slack? One of those other guys? Not a chance. Aries? A goat? Goats aren’t cool. Virgo? He can’t even get laid. Cancer? Well, I mean, that’s a huge-ass crab, but let’s be honest, crabs aren’t lions, and lions are the best. Keep your head high throughout all of March, April, May and the rest of forever, as you continue to be the greatest in all you do. King of the Zodiac, Lord of the Jungle, we salute you.

And don’t forget to listen to a close friend or workmate around the 4th, when they tell you you’re totally hot. Because they’re right. You totally are.

February 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized |

15 Comments »

  1. Oh my God the journals you write here are so freaking funny. Just the responce to the pictures made me laugh my ass off.😄

    Comment by Forkmaster | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  2. Aaron, you think that crab is big?

    http://io9.com/5471720/monstrous-10+foot-crab-discovered-in-japan

    That’s right.

    Ten. Feet.

    That thing could steal a small dog if it felt like it.

    Comment by Nick Risley | February 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Speaking of giant [enemy] crab:

      Comment by Forkmaster | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  3. I nearly wet myself over that crab…..but so true, he might be a big-ass crab but I’m way more awesome.

    ROAR!

    And being so great is an exceptionally hard job….and I’m man enough to do it. Oh yeah!

    Comment by Xhalax | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  4. Holy crap. I’m not sure what I’m weirded out by: the size of the crab; the kid whose one more bagain bucket away from a coronory; or the twins who managed 2nd and 3rd in a Chesney Hawkes look-a-like contest (only losing to Chesney himself)

    Comment by Tim Kenyon | February 22, 2010 | Reply

    • That Fred and George Weasley.

      Comment by Xhalax | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  5. What about Scorpio? Huh?

    Comment by Katie | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  6. If I was this crab, I’d eat unguarded children.

    Who says you need to be a crab?
    Eh? Eh?

    …Eh?

    Comment by Proteus454 | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  7. When are we going to hear your take on the rest? Because you know, Lions are cool and all, but imaginary centaurs of doom are pretty bad ass as well!

    Comment by HuronBH | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  8. If you’re a crab that size, no child is guarded enough from you.

    Comment by MythicFox | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  9. What? NO love for the freaking Master of both Land and Sea, Capricorn the Goat Fish?

    I see how it is. Hmph.

    *stabs at you with aquatic seahorns*

    Comment by John the Great | February 22, 2010 | Reply

  10. Brilliant! It must be good knowing that if the Black Library stuff doesn’t work out you’ve got something else to fall back on.

    Comment by Jonathan Green | February 23, 2010 | Reply

  11. LMAO! A work of sheer genius. Oh yes, I’m a Leo🙂

    Comment by Phillip | February 23, 2010 | Reply

  12. Strange, I’ve long been considering the wood-axe method for many annoyances.
    Unfortunately, I imagine scrawling my name onto last wills and testaments won’t stand up in court, and the bodies won’t necessarily stay tied to those cinder blocks.
    This angers me.

    Comment by Fantomex | February 24, 2010 | Reply

  13. 12 guesses your a fucking leo then.

    Why are leos so proud of their star sign.

    Son I am Disappoint.

    (This comment is simply 1 internet peasant disgusted you forgot their bloody starsign and feel left out.)

    8P

    Comment by Shaman | March 1, 2010 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: