My client, Aaron Dembski-Bowden, is unable to answer your nonsense this week. In my dual role as his literary agent and aquatic enforcer, I – Brett Duckley, agent to the stars – am here to deal with your tedious bullshit.
So how can I be of service to you?
- …want to be a writer? Then post 150 words of prose, and I’ll edit it, showing you why you suck, and why you should never waste my time again.
- …want to know what my client is writing? I can enlighten you. I know all that jazz.
- …have a question based on either publishing, or the laws of life in an English parkland? I can comprehensively deal with such queries.
- …like ducks? Do you have any duck-based questions? If so, it’s good news for you. I am a duck. A real one! I fly south for the winter, I swim on ponds, and I do all that other great stuff that ducks do, like dying if they eat too much bread thrown by shitheaded English kids. Now’s your chance to communicate with one of the animal kingdom’s most truly urbane and cultured creatures: a male of the anatidae (that’s Latin, you know) family.
- …need official representation, either in matters of literary merit or aquatic legality? My fees are a mere 10% of your profits, and the guarantee you’ll give me any stale bread you have, rather than put it in the bin.
So post, post now, and I’ll reply to your plebian concerns in the next blog entry.
For matters of extreme seriousness, I will consult with my partner (the co-founder of Duckley & Pondsworth Literary Agency), the esteemed Dr. Kyle Pondsworth.
The First Heretic hits the halfway mark this week. There’s still a chance it’ll be the length of Horus Rising rather than Fulgrim.
I didn’t really notice the chapter headings much in the previous Heresy books, but conversely, it’s one of the things I’m having the most fun playing about with. I like the teasing snippets of what’s to come, which isn’t as clever as some decent foreshadowing, but is still just a little bit haunting if you nail it right. I can show the first six chapters, but I think it gets into spoiler territory if I go into the seventh and beyond. (I’m on the eleventh at the moment.) With that in mind:
— — —
The Perfect City / False Angels / Day of Judgement
Serrated Sun / Devastation / Aurelian
Blood Demands Blood / Sigillite / The Master of Mankind
A Legion Kneels / If Ultramar Burns / Grey
Voice of the Emperor / New Eyes / The Soul’s Fuel
The Old Ways / Never Human / End this World
— — —
Now, onto business. There’s been a few developments rattling around behind the scenes of The Aaron Show since I last crossed paths with a human being that wasn’t my fiancee. The fact is, I’m tired of dealing with you. I’m a professional now, and it’s time to act like one. I’m doing what Marketing wants. I’m focusing on hitting deadlines instead of hitting readers in the solar plexuses (plexus…es? Plexi? Plexiius…) with construction hammers, and I’m taking classes to learn how to smile without blood smeared all over my lips.
To that end, I’ve hired an agent.
An agent is useful for many things, such as telling my editor Nick: “Uh, it’s almost finished, just need one more week”, or replying to the many beautiful women that send me photos of themselves in their underwear. I’d do those things myself, but frankly, I’m enslaved to do a job, and it’s time to get it done.
So for the rest of this entry, the questions that people won’t shut the fuck up about will be answered by my agent, Brett Duckley, from Duckley & Pondsworth Literary Services.
- Aaron said he’d never do a Night Lords novel in the Horus Heresy. What’s the deal with that?
Ha, yeah, he’s a joker. Listen, babe. Wait… are you a girl? Whatever. Listen, babe. I see where you’re coming from. I really do. But you have to understand, when my client said he’d never do a Night Lords book, he was really, really drunk. And high, too. He walked in the wrong circles for a while, y’know? He was hanging out with these Red India– uh, Native American shaman guys, and he was rocked off his balls on this weird whiskey made from buffalo milk, as well as some really brutal peyote.
I’m not even kidding. He tried to fucking scalp me with a tomahawk axe he found in his car. “Stay cool,'” I told him. “It’s me, man. It’s Brett. I’m just a duck.”
So let’s just say that he came back to Earth and changed his mind. We’ll leave it at that. His next Horus Heresy book will probably be a Night Lords book, set in the Age of Darkness period – the several years after the Dropsite Massacres and before the Siege of Terra.
He likes the name The Shadow Crusade (or The Silent Crusade), but doubts Marketing will, because they never like his names. He wanted Soul Hunter to be called In Midnight Clad.
And no, he doesn’t think that’s gay. Shut the hell up.
- Does he still want to write a new Grey Knights series?
Obviously, I can neither confirm nor deny whether it’s happening at this stage, but let’s just say that my client – according to the man himself – is “reasonably certain” he can nail this one down, and that if he did get a shot at “the Grey fucking Knights, man” then he’d be writing it “like, I don’t know, next year maybe”.
- Will Book X have Character Y in it, from author Z’s book?
I like you, kid. So this one’s for free: That question? That question you asked right there? My client finds that literally the most bastardly annoying question in the world. If you want to finish this interview with your balls attached to your body, you should probably stop asking it. Different writers have different interpretations of the 40K setting. Just… just get over it. We can still be friends.
- What short stories does he have out this year?
Too many. This is killing his novel flow, for real.
- ‘At Gaius Point’ is in Legends of the Space Marines, and is about the Flesh Tearers.
- ‘The Core’ is in Fear the Alien, and features First Claw, from Soul Hunter.
- Throne of Lies is his audiobook, also featuring First Claw.
- ‘Regicide’ is his story for the Sabbat Worlds Anthology, which is almost finished.
- ‘Savage Weapons’ is his story for the Horus Heresy anthology, Age of Darkness.
- His story for the working-titled ‘Favourite Recipes of the Space Marines’ may or may not have a working title itself, and that title may or may not be ‘Despoiler’.
- …and a secret one, too.
- I emailed him to ask if Loken was alive, but he never answered.
Jesus feathery Christ, boy. Let’s clear this up, shall we? My client is tired of being messaged on Facebook about this. He’s tired of the emails. He’s sick of the private messages on Warseer, Bolter & Chainsword, and Heresy Online. Mostly, he needs to stay the fuck off those forums, because they take up too much time and he needs to be writing instead of image-searching for Black Templar conversions. Lazy bastard. But whatever. Let’s wrap this bad boy up once and for all.
Loken is alive. Dan Abnett has said so himself, in terms as plain as my client’s first girlfriend. Stop asking. Just… just stop asking. If you keep asking, my client will be forced to choke some people, and really, no one needs that. No one wants to die by his hands. He’s a man of peace now. He’s done killing.
For the record, at his first Horus Heresy meeting, my client argued that it looked too much like Loken had died in Galaxy in Flames, and it wasn’t written vaguely enough for a convincing return. Ol’ Loken’s story looked finished. But this goes above one little opinion. Loken was always intended to survive, which is why Dan says on his videos and at numerous signings that “Loken is alive” and “Loken was always intended to survive”. So stop asking me. I mean… Aaron. Stop asking Aaron. Yes.
- Aaron’s cat is called Loken. Are you suuuuuuure you’re not being vague and playing a trick on us?
What are you, a masochist? Look at me. I’m a duck. Just looking at a duck makes people happy. Why aren’t you happy? Why do you keep asking these mentalist questions? Aaron’s cat is alive, and so is Garviel Loken, the Horus Heresy character. Now stop going on about it.
- How will Loken return?
Shut the hell up. That’s how.
- What mandatory public appearances will Aaron be making in the near future?
As few as possible. He leaves his house three times a day. Firstly, for an hour, to drive Katie to work. Secondly, for half an hour, to beat up his punchbag. Thirdly, to pick Katie up from the playgroup/school/child-building where she looks after stunted Irish goblins.
Apart from those necessary adventures, he’ll be in Chicago at the end of the month for Adepticon, and maybe in Belfast/Dublin at the GW stores, if Marketing can talk him into it. But they probably can’t. He wants to beat up his punchbag and play D&D with his friends instead.
- What advice can he give a new writer?
My client feels that needs an entire post to itself, and will likely be done next week, now that these annoying questions are done with.
Brett Duckley – Duckley & Pondsworth Literary Services.