Some Horoscopes: This Month in the Stars

ARIES – The Ram

It’s been a bad month for you, hasn’t it? You didn’t vote for Obama, and now he’s in power again, sipping babies’ tears while he reclines atop a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, upon a throne of blood.

The news gets even worse, though: he didn’t vote for you, either. He doesn’t even know who you are. You’re no one. You’re just some guy.

Do you even lift?

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TAURUS – The Bull

It’s probably not AIDS.

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GEMINI – The Twins

No one cares about the remake of RoboCop, so stop linking it on Facebook.

Look to the skies around the 24th, when you’ll see some clouds that look a little bit like Joss Whedon’s balls. Maybe you can worship them, like everyone else who quivered with the spillage of nerd-seed in their jeans during the final fight scene of Avengers Assemble.

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Cancer – The Crab

“There you see her, sitting there across the way.

She don’t got a lot to say, but there’s something about her.

And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try – you wanna kiss the girl.

Yes, you want her. Look at her, you know you do.

Possible she wants you to – there is one way to ask her.

It don’t take a word (not a single word), go on and kiss the girl.”

I appreciate that it’s good to be in love again, and you’re right: this one could be The One. But be wary of adopting Disney song lyrics out of context. What works for wooing spell-cursed, tongueless mermaids doesn’t apply to boys and girls on dry land, and in another setting, that verse could be considered quite rapey.

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Leo – The Lion

November is just another month where you carry everyone in your life kicking and screaming to success. Towards the 30th, you might find your strength lagging, but what are you going to do? Quit? Yeah, sure, then what happens? How will everyone else cope if you take your big boot off the accelerator?

You’re a lion. Or a lioness. Whatever. I don’t care. My point is this: the other guys are crabs and virgins and goats and shit like that.  If you don’t lead, then who will? Pisces? Pisces is a fish, dude.

Fish can’t even roar. That’s just science. That’s just scientific fact.

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Virgo – The Virgin

Not a bad month, with the planets in alignment to make all your dreams come true. You can even fly, albeit briefly and not particularly gracefully. You’ll also develop the most incredible superpower, allowing you to actually understand Scottish people for three whole days. Once you’ve mastered their tongue and learned their demands, feel free to tell the rest of us what they really want. Maybe if we fulfil their true desires, they’ll stop living in train stations and asking for money.

Unfortunately, your good luck fades on the 27th, when the police come for you. They checked your MSN logs, and have been monitoring you ever since you said “It only turns me on if I feel nervous Googling it.”

The upside is that you’re way too pretty to thrive in a prison environment, so you’ll be dead before Christmas.

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Libra – The… Scales (and Nude Man)

He’s not going to call. He’s just not into you. Although you still dreamily remember your balls getting fondled at the airport, it was the guy’s job, and apparently a vital moment in the War on Terror.

I spoke to him, and he didn’t even think your balls were that great.

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