Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

New Facebook Page. Also, Axl Rose is totally fat now.

Oh, such tedious bureaucracy. Woe and fie (whatever the fuck that actually means – I could Google it, but it’s 3:30am and I still have an hour of work to do after this).

Anyway.

I’m trying to organise my chaotic existence into something more efficient, worthwhile, and slightly less chubby. Part of that means less screwing about on various 40K forums, and sorting out all the hours I spend online each day, gazing blearily at nonsense instead of cracking word count. Facebook is the prime culprit here, as my page was becoming a mess of old school friends who didn’t understand why I kept talking about books and Space Marines; family members who don’t know what the Fantasy and Science-Fiction genre is (and really don’t care); and the ever-increasing numbers of readers who were having to dig through the boring stuff to get to what they really wanted: info about my work, or to see me complaining about stuff.

But seriously, folks. My Facbook page was a mess. I’m chopping my personal page down to use with family, close friends and industry schmoozing, which means I’ll barely ever touch it. Most of my time will be on my fan page (ugh, even the name makes me cringe…), which will take over everything my last page did. I’ll be unfriending about 99% of the people on my personal page in the next few days. Enjoy the purge. Consider yourselves to be, like, hangover puke, but in a good way. You always feel great after yarking up when hungover, y’know?

That’s you guys, right there. That’s your destiny. You’ll feel that good.

So check it out here: http://www.facebook.com/aarondembskibowden. Click ‘Like’ if you give a damn about my work. Click elsewhere if you have better things to do with your time. I know how it is, man. I won’t judge you.

Well, not to your face, anyway.

Asshole.

Also, in its role as the techno-aetherial matriarch spoonfeeding lore to 21st Century life, the internet decided that I really had to know the following fact: Axl Rose is totally fat now. The articles then went on to talk about how he looked slimmer in his glory days (no, really?), and how gross it was that he was rolling through doors and being floated above Paris as a weather balloon, or whatever.

"Sweet Pie of Mine" the article said. Yeah. Hilarious.

Seriously.

Axl Rose is like… fifty or something. His blood’s got to be at least 80% whiskey by now, he’s so rich that he never needs to move when he has sex (the hookers do all the work now), and he wears make-up made from the very finest cocaine. If you or me were half a century old and lived his lifestyle, at absolute best we’d look exactly the same as he does. It’s much more likely that we’d look like Yoda. So let’s be honest, he’s doing okay. After the life he’s lived, he has every right to look like he was standing in the desert sunshine millennia ago, overseeing construction of the Cheops Pyramid.

A 50-year-old man is overweight? For really reals? He weighs more than he did when he was 23? HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. Someone get me that guy with the sunglasses from CSI: Miami. He’ll solve this mystery.

If we ‘re going to discuss Guns N’ Roses, there are way better angles to talk about, like how Izzy Stradlin was objectively the best member and that Axl Rose always comes across as a douche messiah in his interviews. Come at it from that angle, and you’ve secured the crucial Aaron vote.

Now leave me alone and go Like my Facebook page. I need to write about a primarch having his throat cut by the Lion.

Poor Curze.

(EDIT: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/fie. And knowing is half the battle.)

October 5, 2011 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

14 Comments »

  1. Axl is rather robust now (I was going to get off on the wrong start by spelling it Axel then I realised he isn’t black and trying to save Beverley Hills!), least it beats being hit in the face with smash like Slash did by Tubes from Soccer AM. I’m trying to think of the last rockstar to become over weight and pretty much, getting older as many a person has seen with a father, grandfather or even a brother grow ever so slightly wider in gurth as the years fly by. This is just one more thing the media will do drag his name through the dirt (barring the fact he’s a total arse and keeps the fans waiting while a chef rustles up a sunday lunch for him!)

    Comment by Jimi H | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  2. dont you dare fucking unfriend me you twat… You need good reviewers in your corner. 😛 with all that shit you produce, who’s gonna spin it for the better?!

    Much love.

    Dave

    Comment by David Ploss | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  3. lol sweet pie of mine.. man that made me laff. nice way to start my day with ur rants n raves. good morning mr Bowden.

    Comment by Crispin | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  4. Poor Curze, indeed.

    I am thankful one can now see your facebook page without having an account of one’s own. 🙂 Bookmarked the page.

    Comment by Liliedhe | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  5. Axl may be fat, but his current band has incredible musicians in it. Buckethead and Bumblefoot are way more creative names than Slash and Steven.

    Consider yourself unfriended and liked all at the same time.

    Comment by Chris O'Reilly | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  6. Oh well me and Axl have history. Was at their concert in Denmark a couple of years back, forced to stay there because I was working at Roskilde Festival and my icecream truck was stuck in the horde of people who still think he is the bomb. Not only was he an hour late, but most of the concert consisted of guitarsolos because Axl was changing clothes (which judging by his size, takes a long long time) and the rest was him whinehouse stumbling over words because he was drunk/high/just didn’t give a fuck.

    Comment by Cassandra Benedicte Rabbich | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  7. The Lion knifes Curze? Ouch. But he doesn’t kill him, right?…right?…I mean, I’m drawing this conclusion from the tales told about Night Haunter in Soul Hunter, Throne of Lies, and Blood Reaver.

    This could get interesting 🙂

    Comment by Christopher Meyer | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  8. FUNK CURZE!!! FOR THE LION!!!

    (I proper like you now, for that last sentence alone)

    😉

    Comment by Rob Ashley White | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  9. Still, he’s doing better than Steven Adler. Nobody should have the words “cocaine induced stroke” on their medical history. Also, nobody should form a band from the cast off members of Warrant and Ratt just to tour the one album they actually played on.

    Duff McKagen’s also wearing well, considering his pancreas exploded.

    Axl does look a mess, though. Look at him; railing at the world for not liking the half-decent that took him Justin Bieber’s entire life to make.

    Still, it could be worse. He could be a member of Metallica. The first track of that album they’ve done with Lou Reed sounds awful. It makes St. Anger sound like Master of Puppets.

    Comment by G | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  10. 2 seconds after finding out you created a fanpage I 1) checked we were still friends on FB 2) liked your Fanpage. I hope we get the funny insights you still got hanging around there. You should do like me and block relatives from seeing your content.

    Also sweet, which book will this be about Curze having his throat cut?

    Comment by Forkmaster | October 5, 2011 | Reply

  11. Also: I like you :3 . . .on Facebook that is. Just like I follow you. . .on your blog.

    Comment by Christopher Meyer | October 6, 2011 | Reply

  12. What did Curze ever do to anyone? He’s just misunderstood.

    Comment by Lord Tharand | October 6, 2011 | Reply

  13. Why should you cringe at the term “fan-page”? You totally deserve it, I mean you’re a great writer, you deserve to have a fan-page. There are fan-pages for crop circles, fan pages for ewoks, cuddling, chocolate, sweets, people who like politicians, and other who don’t etc. There’s even a fan page for Mastro Lindo.

    So don’t be too modest, we know that you know you’re good :p

    Comment by Mark-Anthony Fenech | October 6, 2011 | Reply

  14. Axl Rose (anagram: Oral Sex) has 80% whiskey and 20% bourbon in his veins now because the blood was too weak to carry on.

    Comment by 〇rlandο Gοdhand〇 (@Kodanshi) | December 5, 2011 | Reply


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