The Wedding Gift List
Dear Wedding Guests,
You all keep asking about some mystical “gift list”, as if I didn’t already own a Mace Windu Force FX Lightsaber, and as if I ever want anything except books, jeans and Pre-Heresy Space Marines.
And yet, I’m told to provide you with the following link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/registry/wedding/14GYRMXDOTEDW.
Can I just make it 100% clear that:
- This only applies to wedding guests, obviously. Please don’t buy us something if you have no idea who we are, then call me a douche messiah (or whatever you crazy kids say these days) because I didn’t dedicate my next novel to you. I don’t even know you, man. That’s just how it is. It takes me almost a year to write a book, dude. Let me dedicate it to my cat, or something.
- I clearly had nothing to do with this list beyond half-heartedly adding a blender, a PS3, and two documentaries about space. You can tell it’s not my work, because there’s nothing from Forge World.
- Actually getting here is so freaking expensive for most of you that no one should feel the need to buy anything from this. I mean that in total seriousness – Katie just made it because people are apparently loaded and kept asking us for more ways to spend their money in a recession. But seriously, folks. It’s enough of a bitch getting here. We know that. We appreciate everyone making the trip, and this list is basically just for kicks.
- Please don’t send me copies of your short story drafts as “gifts” and ask me to edit them for you. If you do, I’ll totally hunt you down and kill you until you die. In a little-known fact, I’m actually responsible for 9% of all violent crimes within the British Isles during the years of 1990-2011. That’s how dangerous I am. That’s how I roll. Remember that. You may think I’m a hamster-cheeked nerd who says “Hmm, can I have a latte?” in delicate British tones, but that shit is just my cover story.