Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

Reasons I Hate Star Trek III: Everyone’s Fucking Faces

Hello, friends.

Are you sitting comfortably? Okay, okay, whatever. Spare me your tedious life story.

At the mighty age of thirty (I like typing that whenever I can, as it still feels cool in a way that I doubt forty will), my wealth of hatred sometimes suffers when confronted with popular culture. Like, my reaction to Justin Bieber isn’t to rise from my chair and reach for the nearest weapon – which, incidentally, is a Force FX Replica Mace Windu Lightsaber. No, my reaction is more conflicted, more tormented, more (dare I say it) philosophical. I’ll turn my head to the side, perhaps gazing off into the middle distance, and the visage I present to the world reflects nothing of the turmoil within. After a few moments of this deep and attractive posing, I’ll turn back and say “Yeah. That guy. He sucks, right?”

And that’s the deal, here. I mean, I know he sucks because everyone keeps telling me that they want him to die. At first, the vehemence attached to his name made me wonder if we’d all tracked down Hitler’s blood descendant and discovered that this doe-eyed little Canadian cunt had plans to usher in the Fourth Reich in order to fuck Poland over in some new and exciting ways. Then I learned he was a singer or something. And I heard a couple of his songs, and they sort of made me laugh because they were pretty silly, and twice as lame as shitting yourself on a first date. But I don’t loathe the guy. I don’t want to track him down and beat him to death with a crowbar.

No. The crowbar in my hands is for more noble purposes. To be precise, it’s for graverobbing. I’ll use it to find Gene Roddenberry’s coffin, pry that wooden bad boy open, and gaze upon the skeletal remains of the cursed soul that gave us Star Trek.

Above us, thunder will rumble. Lightning forks will split the sky, echoing the anger of ancient gods. “Hello, Gene,” I’ll say. “I’ve come to sell your skull to fuckwads on eBay.”

Anyway. Look at this picture and tell me what’s wrong with it.

His nose appears to be a seashell.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh, why, that’s just a Ferengi! They’re naught but lovable jackanapes and grifters!”

But the thing is, you’re only thinking that because you’re a dickhead. Firstly, who says “grifters” in real life? You should be ashamed of yourself. Secondly, what the fuck is a “jackanape”? Go back to the Middle Ages (perhaps using your holodeck for research instead of sex, loser) and take your fancy bullshit with you.

Most importantly, whatever’s wrong with this man’s forehead is waaaaayyyyy too late for chemotherapy to fix, while and his ears look like the vaginas of two 90-year-old women who died the week before in eerily-similar bus crashes.

And that’s kind of my point. Star Trek’s aliens are neither alien, nor particularly interesting to look at. I can never figure out why they evolved like that, let alone why the show’s designers thought they’d done a great job (and indeed, were paid actual money) when they came up with this:

The son of Doc Brown and Gandalf's retarded sister.

And if they’re not ugly bastards in Star Trek, they’re the most ridiculously beautiful people you’ve ever seen. I mean, Jesus, have you seen the new Captain Kirk? I had legitimate concerns that he’d leap heroically out of the TV screen and fuck my fiancee on the sofa if I risked leaving the room to make a cup of tea. I was watching Katie for months after the film, in case she showed signs of morning sickness.

"Scotty, beam me directly on top of the enemy captain's fine-ass sister."

And Seven of Nine. Really? Really?

So someone goes from this…

We are the Borg. We have no interesting characteristics. Watching the rest of the episode is futile.

…to this?

"Captain Aaron, show me more of this Earth custom called 'barebacking'."

Where Seven of Nine is concerned, the show seems to try really hard to portray her as a character that – bizarrely – is constantly attacked from behind by aliens with faces like smear tests.

For really reals.

"I know I've had a goblin's vagina for a face in the past, but I can change..."

"Turn around. Kiss me. Close your eyes first, though. My head looks like a wild boar's asshole."

Anyway, all of that is just venting spleen. My truest, honestest issue with the appearance of guys in Star Trek is the way bald people come across. Despite Gene Roddenberry having a full head of hair when he died, he seems to have a raging love for guys who shave their heads shiny-shiny like a bowling ball.

Now, I shave my head. I’m not blind to the reasons guys do it, and I’ve felt the effects it has on The Ladies. If you have the right skull shape, it looks pretty fucking great, makes you feel very masculine, and if you think having fingers running through your hair feels nice, it’s the poor cousin of having a girl’s fingernails lightly stroking over your shaven head. But if you don’t have the right head shape – or you’re some combination of ugly/overweight/googly-eyed, then you just look like a baldy loser. Currently, I’m in the latter category. I’d like to get back into the first, but whatever. Shut the fuck up.

My issue is that bald guys in Star Trek are absolutely badass. There’s no question: if you have no hair, you’re a renegade motherfucker. The End.

Here’s Picard doing his thing.

Often, becoming bald is what somehow magically makes them badass. Let’s take, oh… let’s take some generic Space Elf bad guys: the Romulans.

"Lower your weapons, humans, or you will suffer the same haircut as me."

That looks pretty lame, right? I mean, if he pointed a gun (don’t say “phaser”, don’t you dare say that stupid word) in my direction, I’d not exactly be quivering with fear.

However, you shave a Romulan’s head and all of a sudden shit gets real.

"Lower your shields and prepare your anuses."

I know, right? This gentleman is hardcore.

But he’s not even the best example of the Hairy Loser to Bald Badass transition.

By far the best example is Benjamin Sisko.

"I sure hope these aliens want peace. We have so much love to give..."

As a man with hair, he was an interesting enough guy, but he lacked the true badassery inherent in the Star Trek Skinhead experience. Here we have a struggling father, a survivor of the disastrous battle at Wolf 359, and topped out at the rank of Commander, lording it over a deep-space outpost full of criminals and twats. He was the minimal Federation presence watching over a shipping route (or something – don’t correct me, I don’t care).

And at the risk of saying something nice about Star Trek, I think that’s a pretty interesting character.

On paper, anyway – it has a lot of the right elements to sing in tune and make ladies swoon.

Then this happened:

"Target the enemy ship and fuck it up with lasers."

He shaved his head. Almost overnight, his son grew up from a troubled little shit into a teenage shitbag. The very next day, Sisko was banging some hot alien chick. At the weekend, he started a war with two alien races – not one species, but two – because that’s how he rolled. In recognition of his new smooth dome, Starfleet Command upped him to Captain, promoting him purely on the basis of being sexier.

Suddenly, he wasn’t just some goon to the local aliens, he was The Chosen One.

He got a new shpaceship – a nifty little fucker that was the only ship in the entire Federation that had a cloaking device, and while other ships had “phasers”, Sisko’s one had “turbophasers”. See, he shaved his head and even his guns got faster.

Nothing illustrates Sisko’s skinhead changes more than these two videos. Watch them; they’re only a couple of minutes long, and the difference in how Sisko acts is nothing short of hilarious. He even talks differently.

The first one is the Defiant’s first battle, just before Sisko shaves his head. Watch the first minute and a half.

The second one is the Defiant’s destruction, when Sisko is well-established as a All That Is Man.

Look at how he acts. He’s yelling orders. He’s scared. He’s falling over. At one point, he actually gets up to do something himself, pissing around with a computer.

Jesus Christ? Did you see that?

He was almost laughing when he gave the order to fire. He speaks slow and dramatic, somewhere between Laurence Olivier and Morpheus. When shit goes wrong and people are exploding around him, he sits in his chair and steeples his fingers like a bored supervillain. And when the ship is more fucked than it’s ever been before, rather than panic, he calmly orders them to abandon ship, then lingers around on the bridge, watching stuff blow up and ignoring that Irish asshole who tries to ruin the moment.

I actually keep clicking back to 0:27, just because I always laugh when he says “…Fire.” Y’know, like this whole mega space war is kinda funny, like it’s no big deal after his cool-ass pimp walk back to his chair.

"I haven't killed or fucked anything in seventeen minutes, gentlemen. Let's make this meeting quick."

Anyway, everybody in Star Trek – that’s another reason why it sucks.

Or rather, a bajillion reasons.

October 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

44 Comments »

  1. I out-and-out loled.

    But I only ever watched TNG. Because Patrick Stewart is cool.

    Comment by Raye Raye | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  2. LMFAO!🙂

    Comment by Phillip | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  3. You, sir, are a quantifiable legend.

    Comment by TimKenyon | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  4. I’m a confirmed geek, and (admittedly) second rate trekkie. Damn, that was funny! And the reason is that *it’s true*! Bald men in all flavours of ST are Hero class hard men. If I was to shave my hair, I’d just see a deformed Kryton in the mirror every morning.

    Comment by Farmer_geddon | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  5. The captions alone had me convulsing in laughter.

    Comment by turkeyspit | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  6. the guy was awesome in american history x, he brought the skin head and the badass ness back with him to ds9

    Comment by mitch pays | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  7. But it’s a Disrupter

    Comment by Xhalax | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  8. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sander Meijer, Aaron Dembski-Bowden. Aaron Dembski-Bowden said: https://aarondembskibowden.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/reasons-i-hate-star-trek-iii-everyones-fucking-faces/ […]

    Pingback by Tweets that mention Reasons I Hate Star Trek III: Everyone’s Fucking Faces « Aaron Dembski-Bowden -- Topsy.com | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  9. Any time I feel like inflicting pain and suffering on my trekkie friends, I quote that Picard monologue. Either that or “You speak the Yang holy word?” or “Brain, brain and more brain! What is brain?” or “AHAHAHAHAAHHA, FESTIVAL!!!!” or, well you get the point…

    Comment by Fonkin | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  10. or “You are smart! We are strong! Make it go!”

    Comment by Fonkin | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  11. God I’ve missed this the past week.

    Comment by Greg | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  12. If it helps, I will buy HB a wig?

    Comment by Sarah Cawkwell | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  13. Justin Beiber is pure evil, I find it troubling you don’t recognise this.

    Comment by Richard Ford | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  14. Sisko is frequently underrated.

    Comment by J. D. Kennedy | October 22, 2010 | Reply

  15. I❤ me some Sisko.

    Comment by Inache | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  16. Be careful with the crowbar, Aaron. Remember what happened in that Friday the 13th movie.

    Comment by Matthew F. | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  17. Hang on though, when I shaved my head I DID become like 1000% more badass… True story.

    Comment by Tom | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  18. Im going to my wifes best friends weeding today. She’s marrying a douch and i dont want to go. But for now i dont really care. Thank you. Oh and thank you for showing me “The Guild”. Awesome. New favorite show!

    Comment by Andreas F | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  19. “The crowbar in my hands is for more noble purposes. To be precise, it’s for graverobbing.”

    And what pursuit could be more noble?

    I’m sure you remember the unfortunate time I had to shave my head. That is the only time I can remember wearing a hat more than you did.

    Comment by G | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  20. no he didnt shave his head the hair migrated down to the chin so it could keephis mouth warm after all the cold blooded bad-assery that come out

    Comment by J.Sibley | October 23, 2010 | Reply

    • also when i flick through channels and i see this i keep thinking over and over what if they go through a temperal hole or whatever and end up face to face with a space marine strike cruiser

      federation captain ” we come in peace my name is…..”

      terminators teleport onto the bridge “purge the xenos scum!”

      Comment by J.Sibley | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  21. Early Sisko was trying to be Mr. Rogers. Later Sisko went back to tapping his Hawk skills from “Spencer For Hire”.

    The bald gene didn’t work in The Original Series; that was a Next Generation and Beyond acquisition.

    Comment by Khestra the Unbeheld | October 23, 2010 | Reply

  22. First thing Sisko did in DS9 was come within inches of nailing Picard’s head to a wall, because Picard had once been the face of the Borg, and probably the only reason he stopped was because Picard had been essentially a rape victim at the time.

    He tried to be nice. He was the only Trek captain to have a family, and a romantic life that actually went anywhere. But he did righteous anger oh so very well, hair or not.

    Comment by narry | October 24, 2010 | Reply

  23. Damn right, Sisko was pretty hardcore. Also whats wrong with smiling as he said fire? He hated the Jem-Hadar.

    Soldiers laugh and joke when they fire so why can’t a ships captain in Star Trek?

    Comment by pulse | October 25, 2010 | Reply

    • Laughing throws off the aim. Laughing is for AFTER the shooting. Civilians. . .;)

      Comment by Khestra the Unbeheld | October 26, 2010 | Reply

      • True, but laughin and smirking doesn’t.😉

        Comment by pulse | October 27, 2010

  24. […] Reasons I Hate Star Trek III: Everyone’s Fucking Faces  […]

    Pingback by Reasons I Hate Star Trek III « Jozar's 2 Cents | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  25. That was awesome, asked a bunch of trekkies I know what they thought about Star Trek Baldness and they all agreed. You become more Badass.

    Comment by DrgnScorpion | October 26, 2010 | Reply

  26. I immediately thought of this post last week when we took a family trip to the Arboretum. Kyla fell asleep, face down, in the stroller…

    …and arose as Star Trek alien-of-the-week “Kylor”!

    Comment by Nathan | November 7, 2010 | Reply

    • Dammit. The images didn’t post. Let’s try this again…

      Comment by Nathan | November 7, 2010 | Reply

  27. Dude, I’m pretty sure you got the photo captions for the new Captain Kirk and the shaven Romulan guy mixed up or something

    Comment by sredni vashtar | November 7, 2010 | Reply

  28. Dear Aron,

    you don’t like Star Trek, because you can’t understand. And you can’t understand because you are a jew.

    Most goyim I know understand and like Star Trek, but most of the jews not. I don’t know why it is, but I found this.

    Comment by Final Goodwill | June 4, 2011 | Reply

    • A… a Jew?

      Comment by aarondembskibowden | June 4, 2011 | Reply

      • He saw the the “ski” in Dembski and assumed you were Polish. My cracked an worn copy of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, published 1938, says Poland is full of ’em.

        Comment by Nathan | June 4, 2011

  29. Hi grant monteath from alloa scotland… you speak as though you have a cock in your mouth.. startrek is good you vile twat

    Comment by Grant Monteath | October 10, 2011 | Reply

    • You’re clearly a smart and well-adjusted fellow. I’m sure you’ll get over it.

      (And thanks for giving me a Facebook status for the day. I owe you, man.)

      Comment by aarondembskibowden | October 10, 2011 | Reply

  30. (Damn, I have to follow up the greatest comment of all time?)

    I am a huge Horus Heresy fan and all-around Warhammer geek (I write http://apocalypse40k.blogspot.com/ – a blog all about Apocalypse in 40K and I run the world’s biggest Apocalypse game).

    I am also a 45 year fan of Star Trek (I even write http://www.startrekprops.com – all about collecting screen used props & costumes from Star Trek).

    And I can say that your post about my favorite captain – Sisko, was freaking hilarious. Spot on. And if you know anything about the actor, before he was Sisko, he played a bad ass mother fucker named Hawk in “Spenser for Hire” the TV series based on Robert D Parker’s “Spenser” novels. The whole time in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, we were all pulling for them to shave Sisko’s head and let him be a bad ass. Wish granted.

    Oh, and shaved head ass kickers? Look at the new Star Trek movie and the USS Kelvin’s ill-fated Captain Robau. http://images.wikia.com/memoryalpha/en/images/4/47/Richard_Robau.jpg

    Comment by Alec Peters | October 11, 2011 | Reply

  31. Hello sir,
    Startrek isn’t for everyone, if you hate it so much why watch it or even bother to make comment on it? its like why starcraft gen doesn’t even know warhammer 40k, because they didnt bother to look it up that warhammer 40k existed even before blizzard had testicles. ok? good.

    Comment by Kenzo Ortiz | November 7, 2011 | Reply

    • Because, as you can plainly see, I – and many, many people – find that kind of analysis is funny. And because it’s fun to comment on things. And maybe (gasp!) I don’t hate Star Trek as much as I’m insinuating in this mockery of a rant, which most people can also see, and it’s all for a laugh.

      I don’t actually see how it’s anything like StarCraft and 40K (in fact, I think that’s just a bad analogy; it’s nothing like that) but more power to you, dude.

      Comment by aarondembskibowden | November 7, 2011 | Reply

  32. rich hutley here grant says hello and would you like a bum?

    Comment by rich | November 12, 2011 | Reply

    • Hey, dude.

      No, ta. I’m trying to cut down on what terrifying offers I accept online. But the offer itself is enough to warm my cold, cold heart.

      Comment by aarondembskibowden | November 12, 2011 | Reply

  33. hi matey been reading your comments, some funny stuff.

    Comment by al | November 12, 2011 | Reply

  34. A crowbar would be insufficient to prise open Roddenberrys coffin. His ashes got rocketed into space. So some kind of breathing apparatus would be needed. After Star Trek ’09, there is also the added danger from Roddenberrys ashes spinning so fast in his “grave” the centrifugal force could result in you being catapulted into the cold depths of deep space.

    In conclusion, i would advise sticking to terrestrial grave robbing until science advances to the point where Space Grave desecration is safer.

    Comment by Spider-pope | December 27, 2011 | Reply

  35. hilarious – I love star trek but this is still great, thank you!🙂

    Comment by Mike | December 31, 2011 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: