Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

Reasons I Hate Star Trek II: The Holodeck

  • Day #2The Holodeck

In the bright happiness of the far future, life is all about aliens with heads like abused vaginas, and uniforms that look variously like Christmas sweaters or wetsuits. To distract from this thrilling lifestyle, humanity has perfected the pinnacle of home entertainment technology. They call it the Holodeck, which is something so ball-achingly obvious that I suspect Apple came up with it. “It’s a pad, right? Put an “i” in front of it and jack up the price so the mooks know it’s ours, then sell it by the shitload.”

Let’s not spaz around: a totally immersive, fully tactile and programmable reality is what mankind’s been reaching for since we first realised that, sometimes, man, it’s hard to fuck the people you want to fuck. In days of yore, maybe they lived in a distant cave or were already claimed by a guy with a bigger, uh, flint spear… than you. Nowadays, the human need to Get It On is hindered by more realistic problems like restraining orders, outbreaks of cholera, and novel deadlines.

It’s not unfair to suggest that a lot of people would rather spend their lives in a virtual world where they’re King of the Nude Bitches or Queen of the Monosyllabic Well-Hung Centaur Boys. Even with online gaming as my most serious hobby and a man in love with his own Level 80 Rogue, I still prefer real life. Surely, these days, pretty much everyone does. I’m not out to make a point or social statement, but I’ll venture that when it’s piss-easy to spend your entire life as Emperor of the Planet of Redheaded Cartoon Mermaids, a lot of people with sucky lives will basically vanish from the world, and we’ll all need to do our own car maintenance.

Achievement Unlocked: MAKIN' CAVIAR (Single Player)

So the people of Star Trek, with access to the pinnacle of media technology, must be getting it on pretty much 24/7, right?

Right?

I mean… they must be.

Right?

"I think they're staring at me because it's 1887 and I'm a black man with a pocketwatch."

No.

No, they’re not. They’re using the holodeck to dress up as characters from Pride & Prejudice, and go solve crimes like the gang of Scooby fucking Doo. As if their lives weren’t interesting enough, right? As if – in their daily lives – they weren’t flying a massive bastard spaceship, brokering peace treaties with hideous labia-faced aliens and lobbing torpedoes at other spaceships for kicks. Apparently, because their lives are fun, they use their downtime to be boring.

I find that difficult to believe, but whatever. Maybe we’d all do that kind of thing. A little bit.

But what gets me is that they never use it realistically. Ever.

If this technology was real now, before the lab attendant could even finish saying my name I’d have punched her in the teeth to shut her up, while frantically typing in RUN PROGRAM: MY FACE + ARIA GIOVANNI’S HUGE ASS.

God finally gets it right.

I think there was one instance where someone was using the holodeck for what it would really be used for: taking the occasional timeout from his shitty menial job in order to get some serious hunny-nailing done. And you know what happened? D’you know what happened when this guy did what practically everyone would actually do?

He got in trouble. Not just regular trouble, either. Everyone looked at him like he was some unbelievable social fuckup. Like, “Oh man, Mike didn’t use the holodeck to play chess with Socrates, what an intolerable scallywag.”

Just off the top of my head, here are some things I’d do in the holodeck.

RUN PROGRAM: MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER. “Colin, you’re a piece of shit. Wow. That felt great. Closure, y’know? Anyway, fuck off.” END PROGRAM.

RUN PROGRAM: MY EDITOR.

"You'll have it when it's finished, Nick. Stop whining. Also, you're a poser."

END PROGRAM.

RUN PROGRAM: BASTILA SHAN.

"Put the sword down, baby. I'm not here to fight. Not... this time."

ADAPT PROGRAM: MAKE ME INTO A BADLY RENDERED VIDEO GAME CHARACTER.

ADAPT PROGRAM: WITH A METAL JAW.

ADAPT PROGRAM: AND WICKED HEAD TATTOOS.

"The Force is strong with us, Bastila. I feel your presence. Also, your boobies."

What was I talking about?

Oh. Yeah. Star Trek.

And that’s Reason 2 of why Star Trek is shit.

September 21, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

22 Comments »

  1. Gotta love fantasy smexi-time!

    Comment by Xhalax | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  2. Ahhh, dude. You’ve hit the nail on the head with this one!

    Comment by Kier Sparey | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  3. I admit I hadn’t thought about it like that, but you raise a really fucking good point.

    Comment by raziel4707 | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  4. You are right and you are genius😀

    Comment by Andreas Fabricius | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  5. I bet the Capt walked into the Holodeck one time before the Jizz Moppers hit the place.
    Now there is a whole lifetime sex ban on the thing🙂

    Comment by BigWill | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  6. So I had to do a search to find out who Aria Giovanni is, wikipedia had limited information so I then checked iafd… meh, i think you’d be under-utilizing the technology.

    But yeah, your reason is valid in so far as the Star Trek crew totally didn’t use it right… but the technology itself… plus a beniogn communist utopia wherin a replicator can give you pretty much whatever you need… shit i’d totally move in… permanently. [Like BTL in Red Dwarf but without Rimmer to fuck things up]

    Even if you like your real life… you’d be able to iron out the flaws… like when your girlfriend won’t let you do it in the back of a Volkswagon ;p

    Comment by Tom | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  7. Funny that despite of all those Trekkies’ affection to solid scientific explanations of the weird stuff going on in Star Trek no one of them can disprove that when walking in opposite directions people in holodecks WILL hit the damn walls.

    By the way, Deep Space 9 had a holosuite brothel.

    Comment by Quark | September 21, 2010 | Reply

    • That’s actually addressed in one of the Shatnerverse novels, where Kirk + Spock are imprisoned in a Vulcan prison (read: holodeck program of a meditation garden). there’s a forcefield-thingy below their feet that acts like a treadmill. Similarly, if you throw something real, it’s physically stopped by the wall, but the system gives an illusion that it keeps on going. Btw, they end up escaping by throwing things, throwing each other, and otherwise messing with the holodeck system.

      Comment by Khaine | October 19, 2011 | Reply

  8. This raises three points:

    * Star Wars (even the prequels) is better than Star Trek because of one compound word: Lightsabres. I mean, Alec Guinness cuts some dudes arm off with one. Your move, Sulu.

    * What is that behind Nick Kyme? And has it put an axe in his head?

    * Aria Giovanni seems to hit a perfect balance of cute, sultry, sweet and filthy.

    That is all.

    Comment by G | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  9. HAHA omg, I would totally hit up with the sex stuff there. I wonder if the people in Trek-universe ever gets laid.

    Comment by Forkmaster | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  10. Bang on there. This cropped up in the Scott Adams book The Dilbert Future:

    ‘This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I’d close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion….Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren’t enough holodecks to go around, I’d get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I’d feel tense about it, but that’s exactly why I’d need a massage.

    I’m afraid the holodeck will be society’s last invention.’

    Have to agree totally with this post. *Although* if we didnt have Star trek, that General Martok fella couldn’t have got the job as a Space Wolf in ‘Battle for the Abyss’

    Comment by Mkendrik | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  11. I’m with Quark. I think the main problem is Starfleet.

    Comment by Inache | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  12. I always thought you looked familiar…

    After being foiled again, Malak finally decided “Fuck it, I think I’ll start writing”.

    Comment by Barghest | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  13. That was absolutely amazing, I’m pissing myself laughing while at work, which as you can imagine is a slightly awkward situation.

    Comment by Tim Sweeney | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  14. You may have missed your other calling, a career in comedy perchance?

    Comment by Phillip | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  15. Damn that mod on B&C is such a tight ass.
    He closed the topic on the nighthaunter just as it was starting to get good.
    We crack a couple of jokes and he locks it down,lame.
    Be sure to see the finish to that topic
    Another Pic of the Night Haunter
    Later
    Esinhorn(aka BigWill)

    Comment by BigWill | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  16. Hey, the UK has sci-fi atrocities to answer for too!

    Two words: Blake’s Seven.

    Comment by Fonkin | September 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Blake’s Seven was beautiful sci-fi. Shoot yourself in the foot, heretic! You want pain, try getting through both seasons of Space: 1999 without facepalming.

      Comment by Khestra the Unbeheld | September 23, 2010 | Reply

      • I agree, and it’s one of my all time faves. Great show, lousy sets, lousy acting, lousy dialog. And yet somehow… Mind you, I’m the only Yank I know who owns the entire Blake’s 7 series. It’s only VHS, but still… I’ve been waiting 10 years for you wankers to port the DVD to Zone 1. Get on it!

        Comment by Fonkin | October 22, 2010

  17. So you managed two days out of four… hope this is a time issue and not something having happened to you?

    Comment by Tom | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  18. Besides the fact that there are tons of references to sexual uses for the holodeck, and ignoring the debate I want to wage with you about a few other minor details…
    “I think they’re staring at me because it’s 1887 and I’m a black man with a pocketwatch.”–AH HA HA HA. Brilliant. And the Bastila bit? Pure gold.

    Comment by theladyofvermont | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  19. In DS9 the holodecks are indeed used for pleasure. Not by the main crew, of course. They are the good guys. But I distinctly remember Quark offering someone a program with three Orion slave girls. And in one episode someone was illegally trying to get a pleasure program with Major Kira as the main character.

    Comment by Legatus | November 20, 2010 | Reply


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