Reasons I Hate Star Trek I: KHAAAAAAAAAN
I don’t like Star Trek.
A lot of people share my viewpoint on this, but they do so with a vague air of distaste. It’s an uninformed, pointless dislike – they don’t really know why they don’t like it, except that “Sci-fi is rubbish” or “Star Trek is for geeks”. But, see, I do know why I don’t like Star Trek. I have (at last count) over six thousand individual reasons for why it’s not the franchise for me. Here are five, plucked at random from the juicy skulljunk that squats and bubbles behind my eyes.
I’m going to do one a day, until GDUK this weekend. So for Monday, here’s what I hate about Star Trek:
- Day #1 — “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.”
So, like, Captain Kirk’s archenemy is supposed to be this guy called Khan. And Khan steals a ship or something, and everyone’s all like “No way”, and Khan is like “Way”, and then Kirk’s all like “KHAAAAAAN”. Look, here he is right now.
For Star Trek fans, this is like some moment of orgasmic drama. I can literally picture millions of them whacking off like howler monkeys while Kirk shouts this. Don’t act like you don’t know the monkeys I’m talking about: you’ve been to the zoo, and you’ve seen the chimpish miscreants that beat off while making eye contact with your grandmother.
Anyway, Kirk’s annoyed, and he shouts KHAAAAAAAAAAN, and the Trekkie crowd goes wild.
My question is… Why?
What’s so rad about Khan? I mean, just look at this fucker:
What’s threatening about this guy, exactly? The only thing dangerous about Khan is his fashion sense, which looks like the entire population of the 1980s got wasted one night and fucked a gypsy. This is what Star Trek does with the concept of a “genetically engineered supersoldier”? This asshole from Woodstock 2525? He’s got a mullet of grotesque proportions, that for some reason, he needs to hairspray. His bling is made from stuff he stole from a budget pet store.
Christ on a bike, I think he may actually be the dad of one of the guys in Poison.
I don’t think I’m being unfair when I say that Poison, despite their millions of dollars, look pretty much like Guns N Roses spent seventeen years hanging out with the Care Bears. And Khan does, too. Except on a more limited budget.
And Kirk’s totally surprised that Khan steals a ship? Why? He’s a gypsy scamp, Shatner. What the hell did you expect? You’re lucky he only stole a ship, and didn’t fling horseshit at the windows of your house as he made his escape.