Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

Reasons I Hate Star Trek I: KHAAAAAAAAAN

I don’t like Star Trek.

A lot of people share my viewpoint on this, but they do so with a vague air of distaste. It’s an uninformed, pointless dislike – they don’t really know why they don’t like it, except that “Sci-fi is rubbish” or “Star Trek is for geeks”. But, see, I do know why I don’t like Star Trek. I have (at last count) over six thousand individual reasons for why it’s not the franchise for me. Here are five, plucked at random from the juicy skulljunk that squats and bubbles behind my eyes.

I’m going to do one a day, until GDUK this weekend. So for Monday, here’s what I hate about Star Trek:

  • Day #1“KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.”

So, like, Captain Kirk’s archenemy is supposed to be this guy called Khan. And Khan steals a ship or something, and everyone’s all like “No way”, and Khan is like “Way”, and then Kirk’s all like “KHAAAAAAN”. Look, here he is right now.

Shatner's invisible suckjob is a little toothy for my tastes.

For Star Trek fans, this is like some moment of orgasmic drama. I can literally picture millions of them whacking off like howler monkeys while Kirk shouts this. Don’t act like you don’t know the monkeys I’m talking about: you’ve been to the zoo, and you’ve seen the chimpish miscreants that beat off while making eye contact with your grandmother.

Anyway, Kirk’s annoyed, and he shouts KHAAAAAAAAAAN, and the Trekkie crowd goes wild.

My question is… Why?

What’s so rad about Khan? I mean, just look at this fucker:

His belt buckle is a set of pan pipes.

The Prince of Sci-Fi Stadium Rock celebrates another platinum album.

What’s threatening about this guy, exactly? The only thing dangerous about Khan is his fashion sense, which looks like the entire population of the 1980s got wasted one night and fucked a gypsy. This is what Star Trek does with the concept of a “genetically engineered supersoldier”? This asshole from Woodstock 2525? He’s got a mullet of grotesque proportions, that for some reason, he needs to hairspray. His bling is made from stuff he stole from a budget pet store.

Christ on a bike, I think he may actually be the dad of one of the guys in Poison.

Every rose has its KHAAAAAAAN.

I don’t think I’m being unfair when I say that Poison, despite their millions of dollars, look pretty much like Guns N Roses spent seventeen years hanging out with the Care Bears. And Khan does, too. Except on a more limited budget.

And Kirk’s totally surprised that Khan steals a ship? Why? He’s a gypsy scamp, Shatner. What the hell did you expect? You’re lucky he only stole a ship, and didn’t fling horseshit at the windows of your house as he made his escape.

September 20, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized | ,

30 Comments »

  1. HAHAHA OMG this was hilarious! I recomend Fan-bous where they make fun of Trekkies.

    Comment by Forkmaster | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  2. Fan-boys*** I meanthen of course.

    Comment by Forkmaster | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  3. I only read the first sentence. Then I decided to write the following comment:

    You are Hitler.

    Comment by ojerfors | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  4. Spot on. And f’ing hilarious.

    Comment by Andreas Fabricius | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  5. Never understood why people loved Wrath of Khan so much. Only seen it once and can remember next to nothing past ear slugs and Spock dying.

    Comment by Xhalax | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  6. Now Aaron, for someone who hates Khan you sure are quite informed about him. You give some rather detailed explanations of why you hate him, things only someone who has watched Star Trek 1 over and over could remember (I like Star Trek, have seen the first movie a few times, and still know less about it then you seem too).

    Is there something you are not telling us? That Star Trek, while uncool to be a fan of in your circle of friends is a secret passion of yours? Or am I just reading to much into it and you just did some research so you could better inform us of why you hate it? 😉

    Comment by HuronBH | September 20, 2010 | Reply

    • carefull he might stick a bolter up your ass and it sure as hell wont be set to stun >:p

      Comment by J.Sibley | September 20, 2010 | Reply

      • Aaron doesn’t scare me. I’m bigger then him, and he knows it. 😉

        Comment by HuronBH | September 21, 2010

    • simply a case of “know thy enemy”. Nothing more. the hate is deliciously palpable.

      CP

      Comment by Commissar Ploss | September 20, 2010 | Reply

    • I picked up on this too, where he says his list is up to 6000 reasons. While this may be hyperbole, you’d have to watch a lot of Star Trek to have 6000 reasons ;p lol

      Comment by Tom | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  7. It’s Star Trek II

    Comment by Paul | September 20, 2010 | Reply

  8. Khan’s fluff never was very well plotted out in the show or in the film. You have to delve into deep lore to discover why he was such a scumbag. The worst part of the fluff is that there were more than one of him, and they divvied up Earth and squabbled amongst themselves to great feats of genocidal war crimes before being overthrown by the proletarian hordes that would later use the events of that time to ban genetic engineering on Earth, and later the UFP.

    Comment by Khestra the Unbeheld | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  9. The only cool thing about Wrath of the Khan were those Ceti Eels that you see crawling in people’s ears….yuck. In fact it’s the only thing worth remembering of the whole movie….as the rest is complete rubbish. Crappy effects, even for those days.

    Comment by Raymond Privee | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  10. The reason *I* hate Star Trek is that it takes itself too seriously and is all “swoosh” doors and spandex. It makes the future look so “clean” and grime free. Give me grim dark any day (or should that be grime dark)!

    Comment by Jay | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  11. That’s it? That’s the best you could do?

    *sigh* I’m not upset with you, Aaron. I’m just very, very disappointed…

    Comment by James Swallow | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  12. Its only day one, there will be more. hopefully its going to be just as hilarious😀

    Comment by Andreas Fabricius | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  13. Khan is a lovable sort of Gypsy scamp, isn’t he? It almost makes you forget he started the Eugenics Wars and was the equivalent of Hitler in his day!

    ~Trek nerd 4 life!

    Comment by John the Great | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  14. I thought Khan was just some sort of pirate, like a cross-dressing Lando.

    He’s genetically modified? He’s hardly Rogue Trooper or Paul Atreides is he?

    Shatner’s career highlight is still the Twilight Zone. Every time I fly over, I get a seat by the wing. Just in case.

    Comment by G | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  15. Am I sensing an upcoming novelist author battle between Swallow and Dembski? And in that case, who would win?

    SWAAAAALLOW! *Khan-remade*

    Comment by Forkmaster | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  16. That comment sounds a bit more like an aggressive porn film to be honest.

    Comment by Tom is great | September 21, 2010 | Reply

  17. Which ties into Kirks invisible suckjob nicely

    Comment by BigWill | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  18. Download ‘Battle in the Mutara Nebula’, stick it on full blast, and try to deny it gave you a semi.

    Comment by Brad G | September 22, 2010 | Reply

  19. Thanks for this one, you really made my day!

    Comment by jozar | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  20. […] Reasons I Hate Star Trek I: KHAAAAAAAAAN […]

    Pingback by Reasons I Hate Star Trek I: KHAAAAAAAAAN « Jozar's 2 Cents | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  21. I LOVE Star Trek and consider STM: II to be a quite good Star Trek film. I also LOVE your post. So, so, well written. And hilarious I laughed. Hard.

    Comment by theladyofvermont | September 23, 2010 | Reply

  22. ….*blinks*….This is poetry to my funny bone I literally exploded with laughter. Altough sometimes I can be guilty of looking like a rape baby of poison at the weekends^^’…not good in belfast. My brother is a huge fan of star trek who is about to be forwarded to your educational posts;D

    Comment by Adam | November 2, 2011 | Reply

  23. Your opinion is endemic of Americans.I could logically debate this with you, however it appears to be above your intellect.So to to save breath, and considering it seems to be the only term people like you understand, I will stoop and say SHUT THE FUCK UP!
    STAR TREK LIVES!!!!!

    Comment by Megan Leigh | May 6, 2016 | Reply


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