Aaron Dembski-Bowden

Don't worry. None of this blood is mine.

Of Injustice and Death

I live with the two most insensitive people in the world.

Both are Irish – one from the North, the other from the South – creating a unified demographic of nationwide insensitivity. I don’t want to pass judgement on all of Ireland because of their behaviour, but scientifically-speaking, there’s definitely a pattern emerging.

Imagine, for a moment, you’re sneaking through an elven forest. In your clawed hands are two swords, each glimmering with an austere light, betraying the enchantments laced within the cold steel. You’re here hunting the elves. Your allies – the orcish clans – wish to use this woodland’s bounty for lumber.

Now imagine you face your enemy, blade to blade, eye to eye. The golden gleam in their eyes can’t hide the fear etched plain onto their androgynous features. You spare a brief glance – only the briefest glance! for battle is about to be joined! – at their health bar and the weapons in their hands. Your warbrain kicks in, where thoughts are elevated to thrice the speed with a true soldier’s insight: “Okay, that sword in their off-hand gives shitty DPS, and their health at that level means they’re pretty badly geared…”

Does this tactical analysis, performed in the time it takes a moth’s heart to beat once, ruin the fantasy world immersion? No. It just makes you feel a little like you’re wasting your life. But whatever.

You pounce. You pounce!

Blades fall, and you ready yourself for the ferocious exultation that comes from the eternal dance of hunter and hunted, of predator and prey. Soon you will bathe in fresh experience points. Soon you will press your clammy balls onto the face of thine foe’s corpse, teabagging them for daring to set foot into the forests your people will take at the points of a thousand swords.

What’s this? Your enemy has vanished? No, wait, they’ve teleported over th– Shit, why I am I at half health? Oh, fuck, why didn’t I get a cast bar when they used that spell on me? I’d have totally interrupted it if I’d kno– Did they just teleport again? Die! Ha! Ye– No, wait, why aren’t they taking damage from th– Fuck, I’m dead.

You stare at your own corpse for several moments. The injustice of the situation comes home in grotesque clarity as the elven foe – who goes by the name of Testicron, Night Elf Hunter – dangles his fleshy jewels into your eye sockets. He gives the ancient Alliance battlecry. “Bur,” he says to your ethereal presence, as you look on in horror. Bur. The war-shout of so many Alliance warriors. You know what it means, of course. Translated, it means “lol”.

He’s laughing at you. He’s laughing at your ghost while he thumps his elven spuds onto the face of your dead body.

This is not how it’s supposed to be. This aggression will not stand.

We’ve all had those nightmares where we run in slow motion, or fight with no strength, and the monsters chasing us inevitably catch up, assured in the knowledge that since we’re moving like we’re trapped in treacle, they can eat and digest us at their beastly leisure.

That’s what it’s like, playing WarCraft with my selfish, selfish housemates.

At any moment, my dexterous blade-based killingsmanship can be halted without warning, as Steve watches a video about potatoes, or Katie scrolls through 600 Deviant Art pages and sighs wistfully at all the handsome male elves who – and I’m being fair here – are of dubious sexuality at best.

With three people in one house, the internet creeps like a legless bastard if someone is doing something dense with the connection. While we can all play WoW at the same time with no fear, doing something like looking through a kerjillion high-res pictures of hot male elves or watching every trailer for every video game ever to be released ever, ever, ever means that the people not doing those things inevitably suffer with skull-fucking lag.

The people not doing those things are me. When they’re in WoW, I don’t do things to slow them down. This is a courtesy that goes unreturned.

I slow down. My commands take several seconds to reach the screen. Dwarves and gnomes stab me in the face, and I’m too lagged to do anything about it except weep bitter tears in a grave that shouldn’t be my own.

That’s why I live with the two most selfish people in the world.

And that’s why I’m going to straight-up kill them in their sleep tonight.

May 22, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized

23 Comments »

  1. bur

    Comment by Tom | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  2. more reason not to play WoW, spite them with your indifference.

    Lord of the Rings Online is a good game…….

    Comment by Chris | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  3. Bur😄 i play LastChaos… same shit…sister on facebook, other people watching videos of trains moving really, really, slowly on youtube…ASFGIAWRITRHANBSF;’GA’SFS!!!1! I seizure from frustration, blood dripping from my ears as the pressure within my skull quickly peaks to levels of coma-induction…

    death awaits them all…

    Dave

    Comment by Commissar Ploss | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  4. Ah yes – the selfishness of other people despite how much we’ve put ourselves out for them in the past. Know it well, know the feeling of bitterness mixed with rage, disappointment, injustice, and vengeance all too well.

    Sorry it’s happening Mr. D-B. My only suggestion is torture. Take a cheese-grater to his love-spuds until he relinquishes his internets for the peace and wellbeing of ungrated ‘nads.

    Comment by Tim Kenyon | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  5. Bwahahaha. Such a WoW-fanboy analogy. *Grin.*

    Reminds me of when my internet connection was tied to the TV cable and house phone. Playing a dungeon, killing the final boss of said dungeon, and next thing I know, I’m forcibly disconnected from WoW because my mom/dad/brother decided to use the phone for 30 minutes.

    Comment by Lord of Insanity | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  6. Handsome male elves of dubious sexulaity FTW!

    Comment by Xhalax | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  7. And this is why I maintain full control of the house hold internets.. Hehe, nothing will stop my WoW rampages ¬.¬

    Comment by Badger | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  8. Careful! This blog post could be used as evidence of pre-meditated murder which is apparently more crimely than regular murder!

    Comment by Nick Sharps | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  9. BUR! I think we’ve just identified the reason for The First Heretic being so late. There are gnomes and elves to be teabagged!

    Comment by Flux | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  10. I hope you buy the Wh40k Online game. Before I steal the name Lucoryphus! Mwahahaha.

    Oh, and that awesome piano guy you showed us a while ago has released a new video:

    P.S Childbirth? Ha! Try playing Halo 3 with a laggy connection!

    Comment by Brother-Captain Alecto | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  11. He who controls the internet is king.

    Also Bur.

    Finally great post, I was truly entertained.. On a blog!

    Comment by shaman | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  12. Random question:

    Seeing as how BL just re-released the Chapbook with “The Dark King/The Lightning Tower”, is there any chance we’ll see your “Shadow Knight” story in broader release? You know, for those of us who never had a shot at it?

    Comment by Phoebus | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  13. kek – funny how they need to translate the actual action of laughing out load.

    Alsi, i’m fairly certain there is software to restrict the bandwidth allowance of other users on the same router.

    Comment by Rob | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  14. Online gaming, it’s not as good as they make out. I had the dubious joy of playing TF2 drunk last night.

    I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn. Which was, ironically, part of the map (Harvest.)

    Sniper isn’t the best class for that. Pyro was fun, though. I can’t run around, drunk, with a flame-thrower in real-life. Not any more…

    Comment by G | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  15. Also, this might sooth the pain:
    http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1668

    Comment by G | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  16. What does Bur mean? o.O

    And don’t worry, I’m sure Katie already has plans to harvest your organs in the night for her evil spells! >:D

    Comment by John the Great | May 22, 2010 | Reply

  17. Where can I see the potato videos?

    Comment by StealthBuda | May 23, 2010 | Reply

  18. I actually find it frighteningly easy to imagine Steve watching a video about potatoes, though.

    “Wait, wait, this bit coming up… THERE!”

    Comment by Sarah | May 23, 2010 | Reply

  19. Evil spells?

    I’m made of sunshine and rainbows thank you very much.😛

    P.S Still alive, so far so good.

    Comment by Katie | May 23, 2010 | Reply

  20. I know this pain as well, and only vengeance and a hearty kek can satiate the blood lust.

    Comment by Inache | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  21. Similar experiences in the past have lead me to leopard crawl down the corridor, butter knife between my teeth (not sure why I needed the butter knife, but it seemed …right..). Snuck into my housemates room and carefully pulled the utp cable from the back of the PC, balancing it carefully on the edge of the socket so it looked like it was still connected.

    By the time they’d figured out what was wrong, the raid was over.

    Sadly now, I have access to an indescribably fast line with zero outside interference and yet don’t play WoW anymore. Something about 25 dollar glowy mounts that ruined the flavor of the game for me.

    Comment by Plastic Rat | May 25, 2010 | Reply

  22. LOL excellent post. An amazingly written ode to lag I feel. You should join the guild on my sever .
    😀😀

    Comment by Banhammer | June 5, 2010 | Reply

  23. Oh it seems to have removed the guild name.
    it was “if I die its lag”😀

    Comment by Banhammer | June 5, 2010 | Reply


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